Meningitis

Okay, I'm finally back to add more to the story. I'll be honest, I've been putting it off because this is where the story gets difficult and I don't really know how to even describe my feelings. I will do my best. 

We were in the emergency room and once she was given oxygen and fluids she started looking better. I think her heart rate even improved at that point as well. We just sat and waited for lab results. Benji and I went on our Valentine's date to the cafeteria for dinner. We were still pretty optimistic that she had some weird bug or UTI or something like that. 

After awhile the results of her tests came back and we were given the news that she had bacterial meningitis. It was devastating news because we knew that if she was infected meningitis her outcome could be awful. 

They immediately rushed her to the intensive care unit and loaded her little body with antibiotics. They gave her three different types because they weren't sure the type of meningitis she had and wanted to cover all bases. The sooner you start treating meningitis the better chances of survival. I kept thinking of all the things I had done that morning--made Valentine's treats, colored Valentine crowns, even playing on the computer for awhile, and I kicked myself over and over for not holding Hannah more because I wasn't sure if I was going to ever again.

Then I kept wondering if I got her to the hospital fast enough. I kept wishing I had taken her in earlier that morning when I thought it was the stomach flu. I kept wondering what I could have done differently and kicking myself for not noticing things earlier. I also felt guilty that she was so dehydrated because one of my biggest responsibilities to my baby is to feed her. Why didn't I force her to eat!? Why did I let her refuse? What could I have done differently!? The guilt was overwhelming and I just had to stop and be grateful that I listened to the spirit and got her to the hospital when I did. I couldn't keep dwelling on what I didn't do and I HAD focus on what I did do. It was hard though, because we still weren't sure what the outcome was going to be.

 It was a rough night, but I tried to get some sleep. They have a few rooms for the families and there was a room open. I was grateful for the bed, but I will never forget the feeling when I went in the small room, turned on the light and shut the door behind me. All the air escaped my lungs and I couldn't stop crying. It maybe was because it was the first time I was alone, but that small hospital bed in that tiny little room made it feel real. I don't even know how to explain it, but I was almost on autopilot until that door shut behind me. I fell to my knees and prayed harder than I ever have before. 

Once again, I'm going to stop there for the night. I'm tired and this is emotionally draining, I will finish tomorrow. I have a ton of pictures to add as well.